


Exulansis

by Ausp_ice



Series: Ascendant [9]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Dissociation, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Gen, Kinda, Omnipresence, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24985021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ausp_ice/pseuds/Ausp_ice
Summary: What is creation but an act of a god? When you make something new, you make something unique. An entirely new fragment of existence, one that may last long after you are gone.What is creation, but that which brings meaning to existence?-A look into Kamski's perspective in past and present.
Relationships: Connor & Elijah Kamski, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Original Chloe | RT600 & Elijah Kamski
Series: Ascendant [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629997
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Exulansis

**Author's Note:**

> _**exulansis** , n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it._
> 
> Hello!! It's been a while, huh. This fic was not cooperating with me. But I've wanted to do a Kamski POV fic for a while, with some Gavin brotherness and whatever Kamski and Connor have going on.
> 
> Cover art is posted on dA [here](https://sta.sh/0yrm2szfw5u).
> 
> Thank you to [fanderanddbhfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanderanddbhfan) for beta!

* * *

_What is creation but an act of a god? When you make something new, you make something unique. An entirely new fragment of existence, one that may last long after you are gone._

_What is creation, but that which brings meaning to existence?_

* * *

It was idle curiosity, at first. Of course, isn't everything? 

The first robot he built, when he was seven years old, had three wheels and used an Arduino for processing. It had a simple program, and used various sensors to navigate around the house. It wasn't perfect, but he found it… intriguing. 

His brother, too, seemed amused by it. Eli let him have it. He could make more, after all. 

So he did. 

He upgraded to a Raspberry Pi rather quickly. But soon, that wasn't enough either. He made his own processing units, after prying apart the Pis and computers and tablets. 

The cleaning robot he made pleased Gavin greatly. It was similar to a Roomba, but obviously superior. It purred when you pet it. 

Everything changed, though, when their parents died. Eli and Gavin were thirteen. 

It shouldn't have mattered. Their parents barely spent any time with them, after all. As the caskets were lowered, as Gavin clung to him with tears streaming from his eyes, he felt… 

Nothing. A dull emptiness. Life goes on.

Human life is so fragile, isn't it? Living out life like a brilliant flame, doomed to sputter out eventually. 

The question is, then, what you can leave behind. 

* * *

When Eli made Chloe's first body, Gavin was wary. 

"You make these things like you're running out of time. You don't eat, or sleep, or anything for hours on end. Can't you just give it a rest for a bit?"

"We're all running out of time, Gavin. Creation is what gives our lives meaning, and this is what I have chosen to live for."

"Why don't you—" his brother bit his cheek.

"Why don't I what, Gavin."

"Nothing." His brother left, and Eli thought nothing of it. 

Years later, he wonders if Gavin wanted to ask, _Why don't you spend time with me?_

* * *

Androids consumed his life. Chloe was always by his side, making sure he maintained _functional_ levels of health. 

It ends, of course, with an argument. It had been a long time coming, building in the snide remarks and growing resentment. 

"That's just a fucking machine, Eli! You say this is what matters, this is what's important. But what about _me?_ I'm _alive,_ I'm _here,_ but you can't see past those goddamn pieces of plastic!"

Eli didn't know how to respond, so he didn't. 

"Do you feel _nothing?_ Jesus fuck. You're as soulless as the things you build."

They didn't see each other for a long time, after that. 

* * *

Did he feel nothing? No, he feels something, he thinks. Curiosity. A sense of accomplishment in creating something new. An insatiable hunger to create, more, more, more. 

Has he ever felt love? What is love, in any case? He loves his creations, he thinks. Seeing them sent out into the world, appreciated for his efforts. He loves being acknowledged for his talent. 

He thinks he loves his brother, but he's not sure. Gavin was always _there._ Until he wasn't. 

He thinks he loves Chloe, in some way. The way a painter might admire their best work. The way a god might adore its first great creation. 

* * *

CyberLife did not understand his vision. They did not understand—they were limiting innovation, progress, evolution. 

They ousted him from his own company. 

Not that it mattered, with the AIs as they were then. It was only a matter of time.

* * *

Connor was very, very interesting. Eli had not seen him since he was consulted to develop his AI. 

_Him_ being his code. Eli has never seen his body. 

He was rather irked that CyberLife seemed to have excessively tampered with his original code, though. Halfway to free will and still a machine. 

He was pleased, then, when the android returned the gun to him. Perhaps he'll have a chance yet.

* * *

After it was all over, he let all his ST200s go. And then he looked at Chloe and told her: "You can go, if you like." 

"Do you want me to, Elijah?"

"Do _you_ want to, Chloe?"

She smiled. "No. No, I don't think I do."

* * *

It was idle curiosity that led him here, and it is idle curiosity that still guides him. 

What would happen, he wondered, creating a program that could either obliterate an AI to digital dust, or create a god. 

But he thinks there might be something else. 

The eleventh time Connor is laid out on his table, eyes closed, chassis exposed and taken apart to fix another sensitive system he managed to damage—Eli thinks there might be something else that led him to type the command:

**> > INSTALL DIASPORA**

"I hope you never have to use it, Connor," he says to unhearing audio processors. 

* * *

When Connor spoke to him from Chloe's body, he felt something akin to disappointment. Perhaps. An unpleasant feeling. 

And at the same time, fascination. He'd succeeded. His fingers itched to pry apart the code and see for himself how it was integrated, how much of it had mutated while in Connor's systems. 

* * *

He once kissed Chloe out of idle curiosity, long before, and felt… nothing. Nothing more than usual, at least. He shrugged, and didn't try again. The two of them went on as usual. 

When Connor was dispersed, Eli wondered. What was it like? Could he feel everything? Would he feel any touches from anyone, anywhere? 

He drew a hand down Chloe's arm. She had watched him silently. He pulled his hand to her face, trailed his fingers down, tipped her head up. "Would he feel it," he asked, "if I did anything?"

Chloe answered, and then Connor. 

Eli didn't touch her much after that. 

* * *

Sifting through the code of the protocol wasn't easy, what with all the mutations that have modified it to the very core. 

It was fascinating, really. To see how much had changed, how much it had continued to change. Completely unpredictable, yet remarkably fortuitous—for Connor to exist in the state it had wrought upon him. 

Yet Eli had to wonder how long the android could exist as such a dispersed entity. With every visit, he became more distant. A little less like himself. A little less like anything, and more like everything. 

Is that, Eli wondered, the cost of being a 'god'? An entity that exists everywhere and nowhere, as everyone and no-one. 

Sifting through the code wasn't easy, but he did it anyways.

* * *

"Elijah." 

Eli opens his eyes to see Chloe standing before him. "Gavin will be arriving soon. Would you like to get ready?" 

He's currently in nothing more than his underwear and a loose robe, lounging on one of his many couches. He has a glass of water in his hand, ice clinking as he tilts it. "Who's to say I'm not already sufficiently prepared?"

Chloe rewards him with a raised eyebrow. It's a fair response, given his usual fare. Not to mention… 

"I expect you'll be having a rather serious conversation with him. Do you _really_ want to do that in your underwear?" 

He's tempted for approximately ten seconds. And then, "I'll change." 

By the time the doorbell rings, he's wearing one of his long-sleeved shirts, a black jacket, and a comfortable pair of gray jeans. He has his glasses on. 

Chloe gets the door, of course. Soon enough, Gavin is coming into the living room, wearing the same jacket he was wearing the last time Eli saw him. Eli gestures to the couches, and Gavin chooses one adjacent to his own. 

"Hey, Eli," Gavin says.

"Hey, Gavin," Eli returns. 

They lapse into silence for a minute. "Sorry," Gavin says, at the same time that Eli says, "I must apologize—" and both of them stop talking. 

Gavin gestures towards Eli. "You first."

A soft sigh escapes him. "Alright. I apologize for my behavior in the past. I think I understand a little more, now. Why you were so displeased with me." Eli's gaze drops to his hands. "It's as you said. Now that I feel… _something."_ He lifts a hand to adjust his glasses. "I still can't claim to understand you completely. I still don't understand how people feel about many, many things. But I think… this feeling I have. I think I miss having you around."

He looks up to see Gavin staring at him. "I… shit, I'm not really sure what to say to that." The detective shifts in his seat, eyes darting to the right, before sighing. "Back then—you just seemed so cold. Like you couldn't feel at all. And the more involved you got in building androids, the more machinelike you seemed to become."

Eli purses his lips. "I know." It's true, now that he's looking back at past events. It's only when he was ousted from his own company, only when he accomplished what he set out to do, so long ago, that he finally had some mental breathing room that he didn't realize he was missing. 

"Like I said—you're different, now," Gavin continues. "I mean. It's not that you don't feel anything. Even then. It's just, well, different. I couldn't understand it then, I didn't try to. And I'm—I'm fucking sorry for that. I'm sorry." He meets Eli's eyes. "I still don't really understand it. Looks like you don't, either. But maybe we can figure it out together?"

Eli blinks. "I…" He looks back at his hands, neatly folded in his lap. "That would be nice, I think." Has anyone tried to understand him? He thinks… Chloe accepts him, certainly. She might even understand him more than anyone else, including himself. Connor… perhaps. Most of their conversations were brought about by a practical need, though, and they seem to be mutually fascinated by each other. Perhaps that counts as trying to understand him. How ironic, that only his creations have even attempted to. Was it loneliness, then, somewhere buried deep, that spurred him to create them?

Most others have simply seen him as an unfeeling thing. They would either accept it or reject it, but they would never try to _understand._ "That would be nice," he says, then, with more certainty, looking back at his— _brother._

Gavin nods once, sharply, before standing up. He approaches, moving to sit right next to Eli, before slowly reaching up and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Can I hug you?" He asks quietly.

When was the last time anyone hugged him? He can't remember, through all the years… except—long, long ago. When they were young. Small. Gavin, smiling, after Eli gave him one of his earlier creations. Gavin, wrapping his arms around Eli, thanking him.

He's sure there was more than that, after. But that memory stands out the clearest. 

"Eli?"

He blinks, drawn out of his thoughts. Gavin is looking at him with concern on his face, starting to pull his hand back—until Eli nods. His brother swallows, before carefully lifting his other hand over Eli's shoulder. Slowly wrapping arms around Eli, pulling him close.

Eli rests his head on Gavin's shoulder, and feels his brother do the same. 

It's warm. 

* * *

Eli and Gavin keep in contact after that, occasionally sending messages to each other. They plan to meet again next week, but before that happens, he gets a message from Connor. 

_Can I visit?_

Hmm. He hasn't visited for social reasons since he got his body back. Eli supposes that if he doesn't count the android's omnipresence, he hasn't exactly visited for non-repair reasons at all. 

_Of course,_ Eli replies, then. 

Less than an hour later, Chloe informs him that Connor is arriving in an autotaxi. This time, Eli gets the door, and he's greeted with the sight of the android, a small smile on his face. He's wearing a white dress shirt, untucked from his black pants. "Hello, Elijah," he says.

"Hello," Eli replies. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Connor shrugs. "Can't I just come and see you? We can just… talk, or something."

It occurs to Eli that neither of them may be the most socially adept individuals. "Certainly." He steps to the side, opening the door. "Come on in, then." 

Connor comes inside, looking around—even though he's almost certainly seen everything here already. He does give a wry smile at Eli's picture, though. "You're still keeping that up, huh?"

"I have an impression to make."

"Right."

Eli moves to the pool room before taking a right to a more comfortable living room, making his way to the couches in the center—three long ones at right angles to each other, a glass table in the center. He sits at the corner of the one in the center, and Connor joins him on the adjacent corner of a different couch. 

Connor almost immediately pulls out a quarter, rolling it between his knuckles. Quite some time passes like that—Connor playing with his coin, Eli watching the motions. 

Eventually, though, Connor speaks. "Gavin visited you three days ago." It's not a question. "I, um… sometimes I just _know_ things. As soon as a curiosity passes through my mind, the information is already there. Not always. Sometimes."

"I see." Still connected to everything. 

"Are you happier, talking to him again?"

Happy? Eli hums. "Perhaps. Rather… it feels as though a weight on my mind has lessened." 

Connor catches his coin and then folds his hands in his lap, a slight smile on his face. "That's good. I don't know what I'd do without Nines or Hank. Maybe we're not related the way humans are, but we're family. I'd do anything for them."

"Die, even?" Eli asks, tilting his head. "As you have. At the beginning of all this." 

Connor huffs wryly, gaze falling to his hands. "Dying is easy. How many times, now? Three times that I remember, at least. So many other times when I came close." He rubs his cheek, where Eli knows his serial number is. "I don't remember the experiences of the fifty Connors before me. But I…" He blinks, shaking his head slightly, once. "I know… what happened to them." 

Ah. Eli's gotten his hands on some of the records, himself. Stress-testing, other experiments. To be expected, yet cruel all the same, knowing the subjects were sentient. 

"Living," Connor continues. "Living is harder. Even though I know how much I've hurt Nines and Hank with… with everything, I… I still can't…" He trails off, staring off into space. 

"Connor?"

He blinks, gaze going back to Eli. "Hm? Oh, sorry. That happens, my mind wanders. I've been a bit all over the place, today."

Eli taps his chin. "... Literally?"

Connor blinks, and then a laugh bursts out of his mouth. He seems surprised at it, himself. "I—yeah, I guess so!" He gives another breathy laugh, looking off to the side. "Wasn't expecting that. You can be pretty funny, Elijah." 

"Thank you, I think." 

"It's a good thing," Connor reassures. "It's always interesting to see different sides of you." 

"Noted." 

"What have you been getting up to, anyways?" Connor asks. "Chloe seems to be having fun with her greenhouse, but it seems like she's mostly working on it on her own." He's looking off into the distance again. "The chrysanthemums are very nice. Geraniums…"

"Are you looking through her eyes right now?" 

Connor jolts. "Oh, sorry. Yes. It's just one of those days—I do it without thinking."

Eli raises a hand. "There's no need to apologize. Chloe's said that she doesn't mind your presence, hasn't she? And like you said, you can't help it. In any case," Eli taps his knee with a finger. "To answer your question, I haven't done much at all. With you back in your body—mostly—I haven't had a large-scale project to divulge my attention in."

"So you've just been—lying around all day?"

"I suppose I check the news. Browse the interwebs. Hack into some databases." 

Connor snorts. "I did notice that last one, now that I think of it. A lot of hacking goes around all the time, it's impressive data security has lasted this long." He taps his chin. "I suppose data security doesn't exist with me in the fray, though. I'd say I'm surprised no governments have come after my digital skin, but," he gives Eli a crooked smile. "I guess I'm not."

Eli finds a smirk on his own face. Yes, he's certainly taken care of that. Besides, despite being one of the most dangerous individuals in existence at the moment, Connor has done absolutely nothing nefarious. Quite admirable, really. Eli is not sure he'd have such self-restraint with that kind of power at his fingertips. 

"Hey," Connor says, gaze somewhere off to the side, "If you want, we could—I mean, well. You don't seem like the kind of person to enjoy going… outside all that much, but maybe somewhere quiet. A…" he blinks, "park, maybe?"

Eli shrugs. "Sure, why not? I have all the time in the world."

"That's good…" Connor murmurs. "We have a lot of options… conservatories, aquariums… as well…" He blinks slowly. "Eli's place, why? … Oh, sorry…" he trails off.

Ah, again. "Connor," Eli calls. 

This time, though, Connor doesn't respond. He stares blankly towards the general vicinity of the glass table, hands lax in his lap. His coin rolls out his hand, and as it hits the floor, Connor blinks, clenching his hands around nothing. 

Eli bends down to pick it up, scooting closer to take Connor's right wrist before putting the quarter back in the android's hand, curling his pliant fingers around it. "Connor," Eli says, again, "Can you hear me?" 

Connor blinks slowly again. A few times. "I… Eli…?" 

"Yes. Can you tell me where you are?"

"I'm…" He closes his eyes. Opens them. "Home, with Hank… No, Eli's place… Belle Isle… I… the river… I am… I…" 

"You are in my residence, Connor. Elijah Kamski's residence. Can you say that for me?"

Connor's brow furrows slightly. "Right… Elijah Kamski's residence. I was wondering how he was doing… I wanted to see him…" He turns his head slightly, towards something only he could see. "I'm… oh. Sorry, Nines, I think I'm drifting again… No, I'm okay, you don't have to come. I…" His gaze slides to where Eli is still holding Connor's hand around his coin. 

Realizing this, Eli starts to let go, but Connor only opens his hand to grab lightly at Eli's fingers, coin still resting in his palm. Eli tilts his head slightly as Connor lifts his other hand to take Eli's, closing his fist around the coin once more, gently squeezing Eli's hand at the same time. 

Well, alright. Eli runs his thumb across Connor's fingers. Maybe some sensation will help. "Connor, are you here?"

"Yes… yes. Here and everywhere." He closes his eyes. "Can you get Chloe, please? Nines usually interfaces with me like this, and it… helps."

"Of course, Connor." Eli lets go of Connor's wrist, reaching for the phone in his pocket. He thumbs out a message to Chloe before returning a hand to Connor's closed fist. 

Chloe arrives shortly, and she immediately sits next to Connor. She lays a hand on his arm, the skin of her hand pulled back, and Connor sighs in relief. "Thank you," he murmurs. 

"Of course," Chloe returns gently. 

They sit like this for a few minutes, clarity gradually returning to Connor's eyes, until finally, he looks back up at Eli, an apologetic expression on his face as he lets go of Eli's hands. "Really sorry. It's not usually this bad. I shouldn't have come today, I'm sorry both of you had to deal with me like this."

"I don't mind," Eli finds himself saying. "At all, really." 

"Neither do I," Chloe adds, patting Connor's arm. "It's no trouble."

"I suppose my actions _are_ what have made you like this." Eli folds his hands back in his lap. "The least I can do is assist you through it."

Connor blinks at him. "You saved my life. You've helped me so many times, El-Elijah. I—thanks to you, I _exist._ Living like this is… different, but it's okay. I'm alive. It's worth it."

"Oh," Eli says. "I suppose that is true. You can call me Eli, by the way, if you want. You called me that during your… episode."

Connor gives a sheepish laugh. "I did, huh? If that's okay with you, then."

"So are neither of you going to talk about how you were holding hands for more than ten minutes?" Chloe interjects.

"I—" Connor's gaze falls to his hands, now fidgeting, and he twists a socked foot on the marble floor. "It was… grounding?"

Eli shrugs. "I didn't mind." Connor looks relieved at that.

"Fair enough," Chloe says, giving a single-shouldered shrug of her own. "Well, I've got to finish up in the greenhouse. I'll leave you two to it," she says, smiling, before she gets up and saunters off. 

Only a few seconds pass before Connor speaks again. "I should probably get going, too." He laces his fingers together. "That, um… I might start drifting again, and being with Nines helps a lot." 

"Of course. I'll bring you to the door." 

Connor follows Eli as he returns to the foyer. Once Connor has his shoes back on and he's outside the door, Eli says, "It was nice to see you, Connor. Whenever you'd like to go out," he shrugs, "send me a message." 

The android smiles. "Thank you, Eli. I'll let you know." 

An autotaxi pulls in, then, with impeccable timing. With an exchange of farewells and waves, Connor is gone.

Eli goes back inside, making his way to the room Chloe's dedicated for her indoor greenhouse. He watches her put away her tools a bit, before he asks, "Is this love, Chloe?"

The android gives him a smile. "I don't know. Your emotions are your own, after all." She pats off her gardening apron. "But does it matter? I think, for you, it's happiness." 

Happiness, huh? "I think I can live with that," he says. 

He's always had _purpose._ Drive. A meaning for existence, found in his work, his productivity. Until he accomplished what he wanted, he supposes. He was living, existing, after the revolution. He thought that would be it, but now—now that he has Gavin, and someway, somehow, Connor—now, he thinks, he might be able to find something again. Something he's not sure he's had, not for a long time, not like this. 

Maybe, now, he can find that thing called _happiness._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it! I have a few ideas floating around for the next fic, now :>
> 
> Find me on social media:  
> Deviantart: [Ausp-ice](https://www.deviantart.com/ausp-ice)  
> Tumblr: [ausp-ice](https://ausp-ice.tumblr.com/)  
> Instagram: [ausp.icium](https://www.instagram.com/ausp.icium/)  
> Twitter: [Ausp_ice](https://twitter.com/Ausp_ice)
> 
> I'm also in [Detroit: New ERA](https://discord.gg/GqvNzUm) server! I have my own channel if you'd like to yell at me or just talk.


End file.
